update; new year, same anxiety

Have you ever tried so hard to get out of your dumb anxiety cycle that Facebook starts advertising virtual counselling? I’ve recently noticed that there’s an increasing amount of ad space on my newsfeeds that are being taken over by jewellery and therapy suggestions. This is somewhat corresponding with the amount of dog and meme pages I’ve been liking, but y’know, spurious correlations and all that.

I’m determined to make this year an improvement. I know that people have that tendency for such declarations at the beginning of the year, but I, for one, know that I’ve successfully done such a type of upheaval before and can probably do it again.

It’s a little startling to wake up one day and realise that you quite severely dislike almost the whole of the person that you’ve become. The threat of imbalance is a little too high and a little too close for comfort while all my worlds are slowly colliding, so it really is time for a revamp.

There are, of course, still things about myself I’d like to preserve. Actually, if anything there are things from my past that I’ve somehow accidentally phased out and like to reintroduce back into my life.

I’ve been, for instance, reading a whole lot more lately. I’ve really missed it. I’ve decided to stop buying clothes unless there’s an actual need for it (although realistically my definition for “need” this year will frankly be when I’m required to wear an outfit that I can’t make myself, or already own since I’ve certain obligations to keep to my mother) and instead invest in a sewing machine and just alter a whole bunch of things I already own into things I’d more likely wear. I also really need to get all my belongings out of storage, because it’s been a year since I’ve moved back to Sydney but I’ve still not repossessed all of the items I’ve put away for one reason or another. And I’ve really, really, really wanted to start yoga for a good long while. I should probably also get back into seeing a therapist but I’m not quite so sure about that at the moment.

So really what I want for my 2017 self is to become the more introverted, more self-reliant and more efficient version of myself.

All of it feels very doable.

I’m aware that I share a lot of myself over the internet. People like to mention it, for some reason. I share even more of myself in person, actually. It’s all done to stop people from questioning further, so the bits I really don’t want to share stay hidden simply because no one knows they’re there. It’s pretty satisfying but my old therapist probably wouldn’t really recommend it.

It’s very weird to watch internet culture move from so much stranger danger and anonymity to the weird fast paced money seeking machine it is now. Things are moving so fast, jokes get spread in hours, metahumour about the internet itself spreads, if anything, faster than the memes they’re laughing about. I don’t think it’s better or worse, just confusing.

And so, in the spirit of livejournals and xangas when the people who followed me knew nothing about the people I spoke of, the places I described and anything about myself besides exactly what I told them, I continue writing things about myself and my environment with no indication or recognition that anyone actually ever reads any of this. I probably won’t stop any time soon – or, at least, I won’t cease altogether. I’d very likely move all the wistfulness and sour drops elsewhere at some point as I’ve done in the past. Maybe some day I’ll be of enough importance to have someone trudge through the net to collect all the bits and publish. One can dream.

On a seperate but related note, I’ve noticed that whenever I’ve been reading a whole lot the way I write will change quite dramatically.

I once had someone who was (at the time) very important to me tell me that I wrote very pretentiously. The comment wounded me enough to stop writing the way I did for several years. When I look back on it, he honestly wasn’t wrong so I won’t deny it. The way I write and, occasionally, the way I speak can be pretty pretentious, especially with the extra comparative knowledge of how this person would also do those things. I don’t, however, understand why that comment affected me so much. It probably had a lot to do with the stage of life and whatnot that I was in and the importance I had bestowed upon this other human, but all that has been rectified so here I am, again, years later, writing run on sentences in paragraphs that only contain two other similarly long sentences.

It’s pretty fun to be longwinded in writing, honestly. I don’t think I’ll change the way I write for such a comment again. I’ve learnt my lesson.

I’ve not written something on this blog for a while now. Hopefully this doesn’t disappoint. I’ll be back in Sydney tomorrow morning and start back on more proper illustrations (and animations!) over at @somethinganniething and probably organising the headache that is a new apartment. Fingers crossed so I can get through January without too much same ol’ same ol’ anxiety! Although what life would be like without it is a real mystery to me.

Things to do in January: